Faith and Fear

Can they coexist? I don't know. A part of me thinks the gospel perspective would say that they cannot coexist. I, however, feel like I have been having a lot of both. Maybe "fear" isn't the correct term, but anxiety over our future and the unknown. I know that we are supposed to be here in Boise. We don't have a job, we have no income, but we know that this is where the Lord wants us to be. There have been little signs and inspirations all along the way that have led us here.

It can get confusing along the way though, and this has happened one other time in my life (well, I am sure more than once, but one particular instance comes to mind), when I feel like I am making a correct decision, but Satan tries to thwart our efforts in following the Lord. The confusion can come in when we go to make that decision and things don't go according to plan. Is that the Lord telling us it's the wrong decision, or is it Satan trying to make us think that it's the wrong decision? I have had my moments of doubt during this move. Things did not go according to plan, and anyone who really knows me knows that I like to have a plan and I like things to go according to that plan. However, during those moments of doubt, I have turned to prayer and once again been assured that we are supposed to be here. Whether it's to have things not work out and humble us (which I feel quite confident is not the case) or to live here for the rest of our life with a thriving practice (my vote is for that one)... I'm not sure. All I know is that this is where we are supposed to be and there is work here for us to do.

The other time in my life that I remember things not going according to plan when we were trying to follow the Lord's will was when we were going to Klamath for Jefferson to ask my dad for my hand in marriage. We were planning on driving to Boise the first night of our trip after Jefferson got off work. It was pouring cats and dogs when we left and not fifteen minutes into the drive we got a flat tire. It was pretty late so there was no one to change our tire and we had to stay the night and leave first thing the next morning. We made it to Boise the next day, stayed there for the night and the next morning the car battery was dead. We had to go get a replacement battery and were on our way once again. On the drive between Boise and Klamath I was told to go through Ontario, well, you have to exit the freeway to go through Ontario and I ended up just going past Ontario and continued in the wrong direction for quite some time. We ended up taking the back roads of Eastern Oregon and extending the duration of our trip by a good number of hours to get to Klamath. I'm so glad we didn't get discouraged or take it as a sign that we weren't supposed to get married, because we had felt the promptings of the spirit telling us we were supposed to get married. And look at us now, 6+ years of marriage and going strong!

In thinking and researching faith and fear I found this wonderful quote by Jeffrey R Holland:

"First, we must never let fear and the father of fear (Satan himself) divert us from our faith and faithful living. Every person in every era has had to walk by faith into what has always been some uncertainty. This is the plan. Just be faithful. God is in charge. He knows your name and He knows your need."

How reassuring is that? I was reading through my patriarchal blessing today and it said that I would be successful in all the decisions that I make. Of course, the promise is contingent on my following the gospel and living in accordance with the spirit. Well, that's what we are doing, so I know that this decision will work out how it's supposed to and that it is the Lord's will whatever happens. I have just had a few faltering moments along the way, but onward in faith I go.